MSN SUCKS!

So, my last entry was October. That's... three and a half months ago. Hot buttery shit.

 

Well then, in all that time, what have I done, I hear you ask. Yes. I hear you ask it. I hear voices. Anyway, what I've done.

1. Finished writing The Book of the Gods (177,000 words), edited Reborn (140,000 words) and started writing Reverie (14,000 words so far).

2. Bought Saint's Row and Gears of War, both of which have kept me monumentally amused on my 360 killing Locust and rival gang members (and pedestrians, and cops, and bystanders... well, everyone, really).

3. Went via train (yay! I get to sleep on the floor!) to NCYC (yay! I get to sleep on the floor!). A week of God-themed fun with heretical Irishmen, Scottish community chants (because when you think "Mother Teresa", you think "Scotland"), and hanging around with people and stuff.

4. Enrolled in university. As of the end of February I'll be a full-time tertiary student again, studying a "Postgraduate Diploma in Creative Writing" at Adelaide Uni.

 

There was other stuff in there - Christmas, hanging around with people, going to Ides gigs, etc - but it's all the same as before. Those are the only unique or changing things that've happened to me recently. So I guess this was just to keep y'all informed if I'm too lazy to speak to you.

 

Of course, if you're too lazy to read it, you'll be equally ignorant. But at least it'll be your fault.

It doesn't even matter what you did in the last week. Mine's better. In the last week I have:

 

- Lived in a sheep-shearing shed

- Enjoyed the facilities of a long-drop outhouse

- Leapt from the back of a moving ute

- Chased wombats across dark fields

- Caught said wombats in a net

- Watch a madman body-tackle a wombat and catch it sans net.

- Patted two wild foxes

- Bagged and tagged wombats into wombags

- Swam in the Murray with an arctic sled-dog

- Endured temperatures of 42 degrees

- Witnessed my first autopsy

- Been head-butted in the leg by a wombat

- Electro-ejaculated five male wombats (it's exactly what it sounds like)

- Watched a wombat be walked, lead and all

- Laughed as the wombats lie on their backs, unconscious and doing a damn-fine Ray Charles impersonation

and finally...

- Performed the "Muffin Dance" with at least three wombats, ranging in size from 14kg juveniles to 30kg alpha males!

 

See? I win.

 

 

Right.

 

Now that I've waited a minute and a half for MSN to load the bit I get to type in, we can begin.

 

Hello, loyal viewer(s). How are you today? That's fantastic. Don't talk to computer screens; people will think you're insane.

 

In more other news, I have a few spare minutes and decided to smasmodically update my space with a few thoughts. First, is anyone else finding MSN exceedingly slow and crap lately? I tried to send an email via Hotmail twice, and it was slow and didn't send. On Gmail, it sent really quickly. Go Gmail, suck it MSN.

 

Second, congrats to Pen on her birthday. Sorry I couldn't be there. I've got you a present, though...

 

Third, a poll. I think polls are important, don't you?

 

Stop answering. That's not the poll. This is: I'm nearly finished (okay, about three-quarters through) my next book. What would you, the loyal readers, like me to write next? There's a choice of four which, naturally, must be presented in dot form.

For those as don't know, I have an Xbox 360. What this basically is this: take the computer you are sitting at. Put another one, pretty much the same, next to it. Put another one next to that one. That's about the processor power we're looking at (actually, you're best to put another one beside those three). It's three 3.2GHz processors, some crazy graphics card, and hella-powerful RAM.

 

Harnessing this awesome power into an emersive, enjoyable, captivating game is the true challenge, however. Yet last night, even as I saw it was getting late, I couldn't put down the controller. "Just one more level" I kept telling myself, knowing I was lying scum. I would finish the game, even if it took me another half an hour. It was one-thirty before I stopped, finally complete. Feeling satisfied.

 

"So," you ask, "which game was it that refused to let you sleep, that amused you in those dark hours, that made you laugh, and wander angrily, and shoot so many demons?

 

Why, Doom, of course.

 

Not Doom 3. Not even Doom 2. Plain, old, ordinary, 1995 (or something) Doom 1. That's right. I used 9.6GHz of processing power, the most powerful graphics card on any console to date, to play Doom. And it was one of the most fun games I've played in ages.

 

I should explain, perhaps. At a Video Ezy sale, I found Doom 3 Collector's Edition for $20. Being that it contained Doom 1 and 2, and I'd heard good things about Doom 3, I figured "What the hell" and bought it. Yesterday I started playing it. Doom 3 irritated me. It was all dark corridors and monsters jumping out of nowhere (literally, sometimes they'd teleport directly in front of you). They gave you a flashlight, sure, but it illuminated maybe a quarter of the screen, and you had to drop it before you could shoot. Sure, it looked pretty, but it didn't grab my attention. They followed the usual "This is the first level, so you get a pistol. Now you've been playing a while, so here's a shotgun. This is level three, so have a machine gun" cliche. Why couldn't they just do a Halo and set me against a bunch of enemies, each with guns, and let me take my pick? Why couldn't there be a single open space in the first four levels? WHY DO THE CRAPPING LIGHTS HAVE TO KEEP SHORTING OUT?!

 

So I quit Doom 3 and switched to Doom 1. I found the graphics hilarious. Lots of small walkways between seas of myserious green goo (toxic, probably) for no reason. The same enemies as Doom 3 (I know, they're really stretching themselves for new ideas), just in far less resolution. Incidentally, did anyone else know that the marines in Doom 1 are supposed to be zombies? I never had any idea. I just assumed they were there, so I'd kill them. You know, alive, but bad guys.

 

Oh, and you can't look up and down. Still, I found Doom 1 far more playable and enjoyable than Doom 3. Why? Because it was fun! It was a trip to the past. And they were kind enough to provide lights that worked. Sure, nothing there made sense. No plot, no story - "You're on Mars and there's demons. Have fun!" - but things didn't jump out at me, or teleport into existence directly in front of me.

 

Yes, my friends, those were simpler times. When things were as they appeared. When the corridors were wider, the lights worked, and the demons were kind enough to spawn somewhere far away, so you can shoot them with more than a microsecond's notice.

 

That's really all I had to say. Sure, I've probably bored most of you to tears, but I found it amusing that, given all that the 360 can do, I'd rather use it to play a no-shit shooter. No sense, no plot, but also no bullshit. What a nice change.

I considered changing the theme for this Space. I was going to do it, even got as far as opening the box that would do it.

 

THen MSN wouldn't load any of the 120-odd objects it required. You know those little pictures that demonstrate what the space'll look like? Yeah, it didn't load those. So I abandoned the idea. You're stuck reading this bright-orange happiness.

 

Enjoy.

 

I'm not sure as I had anything else worth saying, so maybe I'll sign off for now.

 

Sorry for annoying you with that little gold star/flower/blob next to my name, but... this is me. You should expect such things by now.

 

P.S. In categorising this entry I've found that it belongs in one of the three categories I created:

Travel: no.

Random: possibly.

MSN Sucks: hell yes!

You CAN swear in MSN, as Loiny pointed out.

 

You just can't swear in the fucking title.

 

Did you notice I put the word "fucking" in, to prove you can swear?

 

Yeah, I know. I'm the shit.

 

P.S. At least they're still letting us belittle them (see title of my page).

[Warning: the following blog contains unrestrained outbursts, coarse language, and maybe partial nudity.]

[Non-Warning: this email's language has been replaced by the word "BLANK". Just understand that it's not my intent to have it this way, and insert a creative swearword in its place.]

 

Aargh! What have the idiots done to my wonderful page?

 

Okay, so it wasn't wonderful. It was, in fact, rather bland. Still, it wasn't butt-fuckingugly. Now...

 

Well, now I just want to know why they did it. I mean... no, that's exactly what I mean. I want to know which demon-bastard possessed them to screw with everything we'd all worked so hard (okay, fine, everything we'd kinda arranged sorta) to create.

 

Well, it's two hours since I started this email, and now I have to go. Oh well. That's what distractions (that is, the internet) are all about. Bye now! And remember: MSN eats poo.

 

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Huh... MSN has informed me that I can't publish this entry, because it contains "language that is prohibited".

 

That just... damn! I can't even abuse them any more! AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh! [Tears out own eyes.]

Yes, I'm travelling again. This time it's only ten minutes away, and only for a week. I'm house-sitting, you see. I'll be there until Friday. This explains why I won't be online or respond to emails. I'm loathe to put up the address or their phone on the free-to-air internet, so instead I'll say if contact is necessary, try my mobile. If you don't have the number, get it off Peri. If you don't have Peri's number... then I'm pretty sure I don't know you. Just be aware that my mobile goes flat often, and has no credit.

 

Otherwise, you could bug any number of other people, who've been sent an email with the same information, and get them to give you the number/address. Just so long as you know me. Once again, I recommend bothering Peri.

 

I reckon that's my two cents for the week. Until next time, keep it surreal!

 

Steve.

My mouth tastes like the dentist, and I don't know why. The last thing I ate was a sausage roll, and that was four hours ago. Anyone know why? Please help me unravel this mystery!